Prestigious awards are out of this world

Starship 703, captain’s log: Epoch 6, Anno Lucis 6012: It was aboard the inter-galactic Starship No 703, identification sub-class Clifton Lodge No 703; its mission was to explore the final frontier, to seek out a new world of fun-loving lateral thinking Freemasons, to boldly go where no Masons had gone before.

The report unfolds on what at first seemed to be a perfectly normal evening. Starship No 703’s captain Jim Harper and his trusty crew beamed up onto the control bridge of the command module and executed the necessary modus operandi for lift-off. Having originated from the far off galaxy of Caledonia, Jim’s launch-off preliminaries had not strictly adhered to the procedures as laid down in United Grand Command’s instruction manual. Issuing his orders in his native tongue of Caledonian, it resulted in a degree of confusion and minor technical difficulties. Matters were nippily and successfully corrected however by the craft’s director of operations Roger Fish who interpreted and occasionally translated Jim’s orders to ensure a smooth take-off.

The mission continued with few mishaps and chief medical officer Dr Graham Hoadley piloted a superb training exercise, enlightening the crew members on the intricacies and relevance of the second degree tracing board, a performance that earned the admiration of all crew members and passengers alike. It was particularly valuable to Mark Middleton, a second degree fellow craft crew member who had been elevated to that degree only a month earlier.

Following the completion of the training exercise and subsequent switching off of the main power, all crew members and guests teleported to the dining quarters where the ship’s galley had prepared a sumptuous feast. Having now been joined by the likes of Darth Vader, Mr Spock, Sulu, Chekov and a variety of ancient humanoids, it was at this juncture that the journey took a rather quirky and entertaining direction.

Control of the proceeding was handed over to first engineer Chris Walpole, an effervescent and hardworking crew member who is superbly qualified to conduct events of this magnitude. Of all the officers on board, Chris is the one who can be most relied upon to boldly split infinitives that no man has split before.

Introducing the event as one of the most eagerly anticipated events and describing it as the most hotly contested battle of the Masonic season, Chris opened the much acclaimed annual awards ceremony in which individuals could win one of a number of the coveted Clifton trophies.

Jumping in with both feet and really socking it to his audience, Chris announced the first award of the evening or, to be more precise, the first pair of awards of the evening. With reference to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chris described the trophies (a pair of black socks with the equation E = mc² embroidered on each) in Masonic terms as a sign of a two-part nature which were to be presented separately. He therefore awarded a sock each to Keith Jackson and his son Jonathan Jackson, both of whom had travelled from the neighbouring solar system of East Lancashire, in recognition of their combined dedication relative to that of the crew members.

Keeping to the theme of feet, Chris reminded his audience of man’s landing on the moon in 1969 and Neil Armstrong’s famous quote of: “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” And, awarding the ‘Leap of Mankind’ Award to Mark Middleton, the young crew member who had been passed to a fellow craft Freemason the previous month, he explained that Mark’s advancement represented but a small left step in the infinitely large universe of Freemasonry but that it is a giant leap for an individual Mason. The populace regarded this statement with affectionate approval and warmly applauded.

“For continually digging himself into a hole and wishing that the ground would swallow him up”, were the words of introduction that Chris used in announcing the winner of the ‘Black Hole’ Award. Listening intently to those words, a bead of perspiration appeared on Stan Hill’s forehead. It seemed that he suspected that Chris was eloquently identifying him as the likely recipient. The bead of perspiration was well founded. Stan stared with fallen jaw. He was the unchallenged nominee; the obvious choice. No-one could disagree with the result.

The ‘Douglas Adams: So long and thanks for all the fish’ Award was in recognition of tireless work for the good of interstellar Freemasonry and for never shying away from stepping into the fray when all around seem to have gone haywire and boldly going where no Mason has gone or would want to go. Starship 703’s director of operations Roger Fish was declared the worthy winner of this prestigious award and in receiving it, a broad beaming expression wandered athwart his face.

It was then onto the ‘Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons Award and the most deserving puppet was Provincial scarlet Jim Finnegan who, during his tenure as an acting Provincial Grand Steward had had his strings dutifully pulled to serve his local galaxy by tirelessly orbiting the Province, supporting Provincial dignitaries and safeguarding the future of the Scottish distillery business. The humans and androids present were highly enthusiastic in their approbation of the award.

Continuing his search for stars, Chris focused on white dwarfs, stellar remnants composed mostly of electron-degenerate matter which are very dense, with a mass comparable to that of the sun and a volume similar to that of the Earth. They are thought to be the final evolutionary state of stars whose mass is not high enough to become a neutron star. In recognition of his star qualities in regularly visiting Starship Clifton Lodge, this bright prize the, ‘White Dwarf’ Award, shone brightly on Mike Thompson.

Delighted that a number of Time Lords were present at the awards ceremony, yet disappointed at the lack of Daleks and cybermen, Chris was proud to present the ‘Tardis’ Award to Starship 703’s own Dr Who (Dr Graham Hoadley to be exact), the chief medical officer who had provided the educational and inspirational talk earlier in the evening.

In celebration of NASA’s launch of the Hubble Space Telescope in 1990 and the fantastic images that it has relayed around the world, Star Command established the ‘Hubble Space Kaleidoscope’ Award, presenting it to Martyn Jones for his unceasing investigations and production of images that have been circulated around the Province.

“10,000 years of peace begins today”, were the words of Senator Palpatine in Star Wars – A new hope that Chris quoted during his introduction of the ‘Lego Emperor’ Award that was bestowed on the new Blackpool Group Chairman John Turpin, under the empire’s new order, marking the transition to a future that will safeguard the cherished beliefs of all Blackpool Masons.

As the awards ceremony was drawing to a close, Chris reminded his audience that the Starship Enterprise in Star Trek had Captain James T Kirk at its helm and in a similar vein; Starship Clifton Lodge has WM James (Jim) Harper at its helm. Echoing his counterpart, Jim Harper is not afraid to step into the breach and having decided to traverse galaxies from the universe of Caledonia to Lancastria, he has grown in stature with every expedition. Chris was quick to remind him however that, although the lyrics in the song ‘Star Trekkin’ utter those immortal words: “It’s life Jim but not as we know it, not as we know it, not as we know it; it’s life Jim but not as we know it, not as we know it captain”; they need to be translated to: “It’s ritual Jim but not as we know, not as we know it Jim”, to more accurately reflect his ritualistic skills. Stepping up to accept the ‘James T Kirk’ Award, Jim Harper (alias Darth Vader) received rapturous applause from his crew members and passengers alike.

And finally, the remaining award of the evening was one that caused a degree of embarrassment to the selection committee. Originally, the committee had identified an ideal recipient, one who had been digging a small garden pond but, during his excavations, it became apparent that the ground conditions were such that the hole kept expanding to dimensions redolent of a moon crater. After many weeks of continuous labour, a large part of it spent thigh deep in water and still unable to complete the edifice, the committee was informed that the potential recipient would not be present at the awards ceremony. It necessitated an 11th hour decision. Fully aware that it had committed a major error, the committee elected to present the ‘We’ve dropped a right clanger’ Award to Michael Dennis, a high ranking alien from the galaxy of Caledonia, feeling assured that he will be proud to display it in his mother starship.

The evening had been another triumph for Clifton Lodge. Its crew members had been generous in their efforts and the result was out of this world. At each award, the thrill intensified. Humorous incident succeeded humorous incident. And, whilst a few of the audience adopted an air of optimistic expectation, the majority faced each announcement with trepidation. Eyes narrowed and bottom lips were chewed upon as tensions rose at each pronouncement, wondering if they were to be the subject of some foul prank.

It is a superbly fun evening and all will eagerly await next year’s ceremony. But, if you harbour any hopes of winning a trophy, you need to be in attendance on the night.